Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: Lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" Witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one-quarter inches." Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" Witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Humorous Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Two Skunks

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In. "My my, Out," she said, "how did you find In so quickly?" Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

Mess with reCAPTCHA - All you need to know about these time-wasters.

The fault of reCAPTCHA lies in the fact that it is used to digitize non-digital texts maybe to OCR the web, as well as stop spam. What this means is that in every captcha, there will be two words: One that the computer knows is right and will compare and check your text against and one that it hopes to use to digitize text. In other words, reCAPTCHA only needs one word of your captcha to be correct for your captcha to be accepted.
You will be given two words: [Real, Fake] or [Fake, Real]. The fake word is unknown to the computer and can be replaced with anything, or you don't have to type it at all.
Try it here: google.com/recaptcha/learnmore
Tips:

1. The fake word is usually the one which is blurrier and harder to read, even if by a little. However, sometimes it is the one which is unusually clean and easy to read though the quality of the scanned words varies greatly.
2. Real words usually use the same type of font throughout as they are computer generated, while the appearance and font for fake words can vary greatly as they are scanned from multiple sources.
3. The fake word is usually thicker, bolder, and blacker. But sometimes it is also thin and long.
4. A fake word's alignment of letters are more likely to be in a straighter line or a smoother curve as it is scanned from a printed material. A real word's alignment of letters are more likely to be wavy and a bit jumbled up due to being distorted by a computer.
5. You'll sometimes get words with lots of noticeable dots around them. They are obviously scanned from books and therefore, fake.
6. The fake word came out of a book. Words like "chiteHa" or "eriATV" are obviously real.
7. Practice! Once you start out, You'll have difficulty identifying which captcha is real, But after doing a few dozen, You'll be proficient in picking out fakes and this will be such a great time saver for you.
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Important info from reCAPTCHA Science:
CAPTCHA = Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart
OCR = Optical Character Recognition software
To account for human error in the digitization process, reCAPTCHA sends every suspicious word to multiple users, each time with a different random distortion. At first, it is displayed as an unknown word. If a user enters the correct answer to the associated control word, the user's other answer is recorded as a plausible guess for the unknown word. If the first three human guesses match each other, but differ from both of the OCRs' guesses, then (and only then) the word becomes a control word in other challenges. In case of discrepancies among human answers, reCAPTCHA sends the word to more humans as an "unknown word" and picks the answer with the highest number of "votes," where each human answer counts as one vote and each OCR guess counts as one half of a vote (recall that these words all have been previously processed by OCR).
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Important info from reCAPTCHA Security:

Our service also includes IP address filtering and detection. If we determine that a given IP address is successfully solving too many CAPTCHAs in a certain period of time, the address is immediately flagged for review. In addition, by providing CAPTCHA services to many customers we obtain a global view of spamming attacks, allowing us to react quickly to security threats.

Cool coordinates #2

Copy the following coordinates in to Google Maps satellite view or preferably Google Earth to see the described objects:

Flipped car: 51°19'18.13″N, 6°34'35.64″E
Coca-cola: -18.529225,-70.25002
Man-shaped lake: -21.805149,-49.089977
Airplane graveyard: 32° 9'1.75″N, 110°49'56.57″W
Airplane in woods: 45°24'28.71″N, 123° 0'28.23″W
Chinese artwork: 40°27'4.87″N, 93°44'42.90″E   &
40°27'23.66″N, 93°23'7.78″E
More lines.. driving course maybe?: 52.481725, 0.520627
Spiral Art: 27°22'50.10"N, 33°37'54.62"E
Etched designs: 48°53'26.45"N, 12°30'36.01"E
People lounging (high res): 38°24'40.50"N, 122°50'25.42"W
Massive lips: 12°22'13.32"N, 23°19'20.18"E
Car wreck: 51.079786, 6.988270

Remember the Alamo

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive " The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."

Jury Duty

It was Sally's first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive. "I would just like you to know" said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge "that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect." "That's OK , said the judge "capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it's perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury." "What's the case about?" Asked Sally. "Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom", replied the judge. "Alright" replied Sally "I'll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all."

Misunderstanding

Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.  Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.   "Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes. " Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!" "Why thank you sir" the waitress smiled,  "that was the first compliment I got all day!"

Reminder Storm defined

When everyone sitting around you in an office has the same appointment and you hear everyone's cell phone reminder for that appointment go off at the approximately the same time.

Ribs

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Best Uses for Fruitcake

1. Bury it in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.

2. Give it to your child for a science project.

3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one fruitcake that's making its rounds every year!

4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.

5. Mash several of them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.

6. Use it as an exercise stepping block for step aerobics.

7. Donate to the Road Kill Cafe for a wonderful dessert.

8. Use them to pave freeways. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.

9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees. They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.

10. Last and probably least - try eating it. That's one way to get rid of it!

Christmas Jokes

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!

Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.

Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."

Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!

Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.

Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.

Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

New Waitress

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and pair of running boards."

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Nervous Flyer

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

National Guard pilot

As a C-130 pilot in the Air National Guard, I drive to my base several times a month for practice flights, wearing my flight suit. On the way home late one night, my car's engine quit, and I coasted to a stop within sight of an isolated farmhouse.

When I knocked on the door, a young woman answered. "I was on my way home from the Guard air base, but ran out of gas," I explained, holding up a one-gallon gas can to make my predicament clear. "May I use your telephone?"

The woman stared at my flight suit and stammered, "But where did you land?"

"y" becomes silent

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent like himself.

Cool coordinates #1

Copy the following coordinates in to Google Maps satellite view or preferably Google Earth to see the described objects:

Firefox Logo:  45° 7'25.87"N 123° 6'48.97"W
Random animals: 10.903497,19.93229
Ford Logo: 42.302284,-83.231215
Star: 37.401437,-116.86773
Palm tree and world map: 25.169834,55.140867
Fighter jet: 48.825183,2.1985795
Buffalo herd:  4°17'21.49" S 31°23'46.46" E
Osama's hideout: 34.16938,73.242494
Indian w/earbuds (zoom out slightly): 50.010083,-110.113006
Bunny: 44.244273,7.769737
Rainbow road: 38°18'4.32"N, 106°29'5.67"E

Amish sees elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Old age is not for sissies

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Montana state trooper

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3:00 one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call about a car that was off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear-view mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40, and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked out, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, and then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?