The fastest father

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great his father was.

The first one said, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes, but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30, and he's home by 3:45!"

Hereafter

The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement -- I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"

Lab lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."

Job Impressions

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Suspended

So Joe was once again caught lying to his teacher, and his teacher Mr. Rogers had  enough. "Come here Joe" he said. "Here is your punishment, I want you to make a statement, if it's true you get detention, if it's false you get suspended."

Q. What did the Joe say that caused him not to get punished at all?

A. I will be suspended.

Never say to a cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good
job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Face lift

A 75-year-old woman went into life or death surgery, and she wasn't sure she would make it through. During the surgery, she had a vision. She saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "How much time do I have to live?"

He said, "You have 35 years left."

So that following year she had all kinds of cosmetic surgery. She a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction -- she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years, she was going to look young again. After all this was done and she was discharged from the hospital, she was hit by a cab and was killed instantly.

When she entered eternity she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years. Why did you let that cab hit me?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if ....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

Going to church

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my
old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down
beside her."

Digging

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
him there, decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying
him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

Thanksgiving Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Fired

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.

"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

The Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.

The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.

Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:

"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"

Random jokes #3

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

Why did the waiter put rubber bands into the soup?
Because he wasn't a very good waiter.

Do you know why children in Africa don't read Harry Potter too much? 
Because they can't read.

What did the orphan boy get for Christmas?
Not his parents.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the potato cross the road?
It didn't.  A potato is a vegetable.  It cannot walk, think, or speak.

What's wet and sticky?
I don't know, glue or something.

There's only 3 blonde jokes.
The rest are true stories.

I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.

A thief broke into my house last night.
He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Do you know why I stopped playing Uno with my Mexican friends?
They steal all my green cards.

garbivore defined

A fourth classification of animal in the food chain behind Carnivore, Herbivore and Omnivore that eats only garbage.