"y" becomes silent

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent like himself.

Cool coordinates #1

Copy the following coordinates in to Google Maps satellite view or preferably Google Earth to see the described objects:

Firefox Logo:  45° 7'25.87"N 123° 6'48.97"W
Random animals: 10.903497,19.93229
Ford Logo: 42.302284,-83.231215
Star: 37.401437,-116.86773
Palm tree and world map: 25.169834,55.140867
Fighter jet: 48.825183,2.1985795
Buffalo herd:  4°17'21.49" S 31°23'46.46" E
Osama's hideout: 34.16938,73.242494
Indian w/earbuds (zoom out slightly): 50.010083,-110.113006
Bunny: 44.244273,7.769737
Rainbow road: 38°18'4.32"N, 106°29'5.67"E

Amish sees elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Old age is not for sissies

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Montana state trooper

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3:00 one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call about a car that was off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear-view mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40, and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked out, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, and then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?

Nervous patient

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

Music saved my life

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

Random jokes #4

"We need to talk".
Thought the caveman.

How do deaf people tell each other secrets ?
They wear mittens.

What is Hitler's favorite kind of weather?
Hail

One snowman says to the other snowman,
"do you smell carrots?"

I'm highly allergic to drinking and driving...
I break out in handcuffs.

Three sons

A mother had three sons...
The first day the oldest boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Feather?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny feather landed on your head." The next day the second boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Leaf?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny leaf landed on your head." The third day the youngest boy ran up to his mother and said: "Moaaah, whaaa yu chueehhe bluahrehbah!". The mother sighed and replied: "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Bob is in trouble.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Don't talk to the bird

Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Velda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Mother of six

Joe was proud of his family of six children. He frequently referred to his wife as "Mother of Six," much to her annoyance. Finally, she cured him of his habit. At the end of a big party, Joe called out loud enough for everyone to hear: "Ready to go, Mother of Six?"

"Any time you are," she replied, "Father of Four."

Floor sample defined

Food that has fallen to the floor that you pick up and eat anyway

Magic lamp

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the Middle East."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, let them ask for sensible changes before I start writing the programs and no changes after I start."

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

Made bed

My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

"No, Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."