Sunday, December 30, 2012
Remember the Alamo
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive " The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."
Jury Duty
It was Sally's first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive. "I would just like you to know" said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge "that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect." "That's OK , said the judge "capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it's perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury." "What's the case about?" Asked Sally. "Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom", replied the judge. "Alright" replied Sally "I'll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all."
Misunderstanding
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it. Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair. "Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes. " Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!" "Why thank you sir" the waitress smiled, "that was the first compliment I got all day!"
Reminder Storm defined
When everyone sitting around you in an office has the same appointment and you hear everyone's cell phone reminder for that appointment go off at the approximately the same time.
Ribs
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Best Uses for Fruitcake
1. Bury it in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
2. Give it to your child for a science project.
3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one fruitcake that's making its rounds every year!
4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
5. Mash several of them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.
6. Use it as an exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
7. Donate to the Road Kill Cafe for a wonderful dessert.
8. Use them to pave freeways. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees. They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
10. Last and probably least - try eating it. That's one way to get rid of it!
2. Give it to your child for a science project.
3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one fruitcake that's making its rounds every year!
4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
5. Mash several of them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.
6. Use it as an exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
7. Donate to the Road Kill Cafe for a wonderful dessert.
8. Use them to pave freeways. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees. They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
10. Last and probably least - try eating it. That's one way to get rid of it!
Christmas Jokes
Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.
Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!
Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.
Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!
Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.
Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!
Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!
Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!
Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!
Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!
Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.
Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.
Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."
Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!
Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.
Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.
Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.
Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.
Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.
Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
A. A Christmas Quacker.
Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!
Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.
Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!
Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.
Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!
Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!
Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!
Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!
Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!
Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.
Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.
Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."
Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!
Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.
Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.
Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.
Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.
Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.
Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
New Waitress
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and pair of running boards."
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Friday, December 21, 2012
Nervous Flyer
During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
National Guard pilot
As a C-130 pilot in the Air National Guard, I drive to my base several times a month for practice flights, wearing my flight suit. On the way home late one night, my car's engine quit, and I coasted to a stop within sight of an isolated farmhouse.
When I knocked on the door, a young woman answered. "I was on my way home from the Guard air base, but ran out of gas," I explained, holding up a one-gallon gas can to make my predicament clear. "May I use your telephone?"
The woman stared at my flight suit and stammered, "But where did you land?"
When I knocked on the door, a young woman answered. "I was on my way home from the Guard air base, but ran out of gas," I explained, holding up a one-gallon gas can to make my predicament clear. "May I use your telephone?"
The woman stared at my flight suit and stammered, "But where did you land?"
Saturday, December 15, 2012
"y" becomes silent
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent like himself.
Cool coordinates #1
Copy the following coordinates in to Google Maps satellite view or preferably Google Earth to see the described objects:
Firefox Logo: 45° 7'25.87"N 123° 6'48.97"W
Random animals: 10.903497,19.93229
Ford Logo: 42.302284,-83.231215
Star: 37.401437,-116.86773
Palm tree and world map: 25.169834,55.140867
Fighter jet: 48.825183,2.1985795
Buffalo herd: 4°17'21.49" S 31°23'46.46" E
Osama's hideout: 34.16938,73.242494
Indian w/earbuds (zoom out slightly): 50.010083,-110.113006
Bunny: 44.244273,7.769737
Rainbow road: 38°18'4.32"N, 106°29'5.67"E
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Amish sees elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Old age is not for sissies
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Montana state trooper
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3:00 one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call about a car that was off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear-view mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40, and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked out, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, and then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40, and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked out, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, and then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
Nervous patient
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."
"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
Music saved my life
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"
"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."
"What happened?"
"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."
"How about you?"
"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."
"What happened?"
"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."
"How about you?"
"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
Random jokes #4
"We need to talk".
Thought the caveman.
How do deaf people tell each other secrets ?
They wear mittens.
What is Hitler's favorite kind of weather?
Hail
One snowman says to the other snowman,
"do you smell carrots?"
I'm highly allergic to drinking and driving...
I break out in handcuffs.
Thought the caveman.
How do deaf people tell each other secrets ?
They wear mittens.
What is Hitler's favorite kind of weather?
Hail
One snowman says to the other snowman,
"do you smell carrots?"
I'm highly allergic to drinking and driving...
I break out in handcuffs.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Three sons
A mother had three sons...
The first day the oldest boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Feather?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny feather landed on your head." The next day the second boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Leaf?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny leaf landed on your head." The third day the youngest boy ran up to his mother and said: "Moaaah, whaaa yu chueehhe bluahrehbah!". The mother sighed and replied: "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
The first day the oldest boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Feather?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny feather landed on your head." The next day the second boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Leaf?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny leaf landed on your head." The third day the youngest boy ran up to his mother and said: "Moaaah, whaaa yu chueehhe bluahrehbah!". The mother sighed and replied: "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
Bob is in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Don't talk to the bird
Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
When the repairman arrived at Velda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Mother of six
Joe was proud of his family of six children. He frequently referred to his wife as "Mother of Six," much to her annoyance. Finally, she cured him of his habit. At the end of a big party, Joe called out loud enough for everyone to hear: "Ready to go, Mother of Six?"
"Any time you are," she replied, "Father of Four."
"Any time you are," she replied, "Father of Four."
Monday, December 10, 2012
Magic lamp
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the Middle East."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, let them ask for sensible changes before I start writing the programs and no changes after I start."
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the Middle East."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, let them ask for sensible changes before I start writing the programs and no changes after I start."
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
Made bed
My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.
"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.
"No, Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."
"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.
"No, Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."
Lost in thought
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalog."
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalog."
Friday, December 7, 2012
Take this test!
DO YOU THINK LIKE A SCIENTIST?
1.
If you went to bed at 8:00 at night and set your wind up alarm to get up
at 9:00 in the morning, how many hours sleep would this permit you to
have?
2.
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
3.
How many birthdays does the average man have?
4.
Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem be buried west of the
Mississippi?
5.
If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a
kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood-burning stove, which would you
light first?
6.
Some months have 30 days; some have 31; how many have 28?
7.
If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half-hour,
how long would they last?
8.
A man builds a house with four sides to it and it is rectangular in shape,
and each side has a southern exposure. A big bear comes wandering by.
What color is the bear?
9.
How far can a dog run into the woods?
10. I have in my hand two U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value—one is not
a nickel. Please bear that in mind. What are the coins?
11. A farmer had 17 sheep—all but nine died. How many did he have left?
12. Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer?
13. Two men playing checkers—they played five games and each man won the
same number of games. There were no ties. How can you figure this?
14. Take 2 apples from three and what do you have?
15. An archeologist claims he found some gold coins dated 46 B.C. Do you
think he did?
16. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but
the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
17. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark?
18. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
19. What word in this test is mispelled?
20. You have four nines (9,9,9,9). Arrange them to total 100. Each nine
must be used once and only once.
DO YOU THINK LIKE A SCIENTIST?
Answers
1.
If you went to bed at 8:00 at night and set your wind up alarm to get up
at 9:00 in the morning, how many hours sleep would this permit you to
have?
1 Hour. Wind up alarms cannot tell the difference between AM and PM.
2.
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. It's not a holiday in England.
3.
How many birthdays does the average man have?
1. Every year after birth is an anniversary.
4.
Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem be buried west of the
Mississippi?
Because he's living
5.
If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a
kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood-burning stove, which would you
light first?
The match
6.
Some months have 30 days; some have 31; how many have 28?
All of them
7.
If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half-hour,
how long would they last?
One Hour
0 min - Take a pill
30 min - Take a pill
60 min – take a pill
8.
A man builds a house with four sides to it and it is rectangular in shape,
and each side has a southern exposure. A big bear comes wandering by.
What color is the bear?
White. The North pole is the only place on Earth where all 4 sides face
south.
9.
How far can a dog run into the woods?
Halfway. Then they're running halfway out of the woods.
10. I have in my hand two U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value—one is not
a nickel. Please bear that in mind. What are the coins?
50 cent piece and a nickel. One is not a nickel, the other is.
11. A farmer had 17 sheep—all but nine died. How many did he have left?
9
12. Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer?
30/1 ÷ ½ = 30/1 x 2/1 = 60 + 10 = 70
13. Two men playing checkers—they played five games and each man won the
same number of games. There were no ties. How can you figure this?
They weren't playing each other.
14. Take 2 apples from three and what do you have?
2 apples
15. An archeologist claims he found some gold coins dated 46 B.C. Do you
think he did?
No. Can't date something B.C. when you didn't know when B.C. was going
to be.
16. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but
the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
The beggar is a woman.
17. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark?
None! It was Noah's Ark.
18. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
No! He's dead.
19. What word in this test is mispelled?
Mispelled > Misspelled
20. You have four nines (9,9,9,9). Arrange them to total 100. Each nine
must be used once and only once.
9/9 + 99
1.
If you went to bed at 8:00 at night and set your wind up alarm to get up
at 9:00 in the morning, how many hours sleep would this permit you to
have?
2.
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
3.
How many birthdays does the average man have?
4.
Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem be buried west of the
Mississippi?
5.
If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a
kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood-burning stove, which would you
light first?
6.
Some months have 30 days; some have 31; how many have 28?
7.
If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half-hour,
how long would they last?
8.
A man builds a house with four sides to it and it is rectangular in shape,
and each side has a southern exposure. A big bear comes wandering by.
What color is the bear?
9.
How far can a dog run into the woods?
10. I have in my hand two U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value—one is not
a nickel. Please bear that in mind. What are the coins?
11. A farmer had 17 sheep—all but nine died. How many did he have left?
12. Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer?
13. Two men playing checkers—they played five games and each man won the
same number of games. There were no ties. How can you figure this?
14. Take 2 apples from three and what do you have?
15. An archeologist claims he found some gold coins dated 46 B.C. Do you
think he did?
16. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but
the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
17. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark?
18. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
19. What word in this test is mispelled?
20. You have four nines (9,9,9,9). Arrange them to total 100. Each nine
must be used once and only once.
DO YOU THINK LIKE A SCIENTIST?
Answers
1.
If you went to bed at 8:00 at night and set your wind up alarm to get up
at 9:00 in the morning, how many hours sleep would this permit you to
have?
1 Hour. Wind up alarms cannot tell the difference between AM and PM.
2.
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. It's not a holiday in England.
3.
How many birthdays does the average man have?
1. Every year after birth is an anniversary.
4.
Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem be buried west of the
Mississippi?
Because he's living
5.
If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a
kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood-burning stove, which would you
light first?
The match
6.
Some months have 30 days; some have 31; how many have 28?
All of them
7.
If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half-hour,
how long would they last?
One Hour
0 min - Take a pill
30 min - Take a pill
60 min – take a pill
8.
A man builds a house with four sides to it and it is rectangular in shape,
and each side has a southern exposure. A big bear comes wandering by.
What color is the bear?
White. The North pole is the only place on Earth where all 4 sides face
south.
9.
How far can a dog run into the woods?
Halfway. Then they're running halfway out of the woods.
10. I have in my hand two U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value—one is not
a nickel. Please bear that in mind. What are the coins?
50 cent piece and a nickel. One is not a nickel, the other is.
11. A farmer had 17 sheep—all but nine died. How many did he have left?
9
12. Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer?
30/1 ÷ ½ = 30/1 x 2/1 = 60 + 10 = 70
13. Two men playing checkers—they played five games and each man won the
same number of games. There were no ties. How can you figure this?
They weren't playing each other.
14. Take 2 apples from three and what do you have?
2 apples
15. An archeologist claims he found some gold coins dated 46 B.C. Do you
think he did?
No. Can't date something B.C. when you didn't know when B.C. was going
to be.
16. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but
the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
The beggar is a woman.
17. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark?
None! It was Noah's Ark.
18. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
No! He's dead.
19. What word in this test is mispelled?
Mispelled > Misspelled
20. You have four nines (9,9,9,9). Arrange them to total 100. Each nine
must be used once and only once.
9/9 + 99
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Ugly baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Ready, Aim....
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines.
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her bondage and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her bondage and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
A police officer....
A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
Missed the Point
During my shift as a customer-service agent at Detroit Metro Airport, I was approached by a weeping woman who was so upset that I thought maybe she'd missed a connection or lost a child.
"I left my book on the plane!" she said frantically.
I assumed this had to be a rare first edition of some kind. "Okay," I said. "Just tell me the title of the book."
"It's called 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and It's All Small Stuff,'" she replied through her tears.
"I left my book on the plane!" she said frantically.
I assumed this had to be a rare first edition of some kind. "Okay," I said. "Just tell me the title of the book."
"It's called 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and It's All Small Stuff,'" she replied through her tears.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Clicker's remorse defined
The internet analog of buyer's remorse, wherein one comes to regret having clicked on a link of interest after they look up at the clock minutes or hours later and realize that they have invested an inordinate amount of time reading an article, playing a game, conversing with someone, looking at photos, etc. which they would not have spent had they resisted the impulse to "check it out"...
Meditation
I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my meditation sessions.
"You don't have to close your eyes," I explained. "You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a spot in front of you."
He nodded thoughtfully. "Could it be a TV?"
"You don't have to close your eyes," I explained. "You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a spot in front of you."
He nodded thoughtfully. "Could it be a TV?"
Monday, December 3, 2012
Men vs. Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Memory
There was a guy on a road trip who stopped at a rest stop at an Indian reservation. While paying for his items he asked that clerk about a strange man standing out front. The cashier said that's Running Wolf, he remembers everything. On his way out the man deciding to try out the Indians memory asks him what he had for breakfast. The Indian replies "Eggs". The man is slightly impressed but decides he has no better questions and leaves. Years later the man unknowingly stops at the same rest stop and when he sees an old Indian man he greets him by saying "How". The Indian replies "Scrambled".
Eating peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Sofa Sunday defined
'Sofa Sunday' is the day or days when most people shop for the holiday gifts using their tablets.
Mitt Romney Money defined
One that has money beyond that of a normal baller yet pays less taxes than a street pharmaceutical rep or an illegal immigrant.
Romneyism defined
A blurted deeply held politically-incorrect belief that one thinks will rally people to one's cause, or make people more sympathetic to you, that winds up having the directly opposite effect.
Look different
As a 30-year-old kindergarten teacher was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, she absentmindedly removed her glasses to clean them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on!"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on!"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Larger Bills
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington state. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming Soon! New Larger Bills!"
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming Soon! New Larger Bills!"
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