One line jokes

A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.

Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.

If something goes without saying, let it!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.

I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.

I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Before the '60s, most teenagers used self-control.

Money talks, but credit has an echo.

Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.

One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

When you're at school, you wish you were old enough to work.

Night falls . . . but . . . Day breaks.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

It's a new year, do you know where your credit cards are?

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.

A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home.

A healthy male adult bore, consumes each year, one and a half times his weight, in other people's patience.

Whenever buying a gift for a couple celebrating their 60th anniversary, buy them something they will use right away.

I told my teenage son to enjoy this part of his life, that he would never again feel so secure in his ignorance.

I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.